Heart Break and Loss

A week ago I couldn’t wait to write this blog. I was so excited to share with you the excitement and joy that I knew would happen last week at our ultrasound. That excitement and joy turned to heartbreak and loss in a matter of seconds.

The parents flew in to North Dakota for the 11 week ultrasound of their baby. We went into the room with great anticipation and excitement. They could not wait to see their little bean. As soon as I saw the picture appear on the screen my heart dropped and I started to panic inside. The flicker, where the hell is the flicker? That is always the first thing I looked for on the screen. But that beautiful flicker was nowhere to be found. Looking at the screen I also knew that something wasn’t right. The baby was supposed to have legs and arms moving around however, the baby had already started losing its shape. I didn’t know what to do. The tech isn’t allowed to say anything negative. But I could tell she was trying to get out of there as fast as she could. She didn’t print any pictures for us…..then she said wait here. I told the parents I thought something was really wrong. They remained very positive until we were escorted to the doctor’s office and we were told that the baby had died about a week and a half ago.

The next moments are so heartbreaking and I think they deserve to be kept as the private moments they were.

I was not able to sleep at all that night. My heart was breaking as I pictured the parents boarding their 5am flight. They should have been carrying beautiful ultrasound pictures to take back to share with family and friends but instead they were carrying their broken hearts. Although the doctor tells me that it was no fault of my own and was a genetic issue, this does not comfort to me. Every time I try to close my eyes the moments of that day play over and over in my head. I lost someone else’s baby….and that is very hard for me to deal with. It has been hard on my whole family. We were already attached to the little bean.

I went in on Friday for a D&C. When I woke up my mouth and throat were in severe pain. Half of my tongue was swollen and black and blue. My mouth and under my tongue had several scratches. My throat was very sore from the breathing tube. I didn’t realize how painful physically this was going to be. The next morning I could barely walk my back and neck were so sore. Today is five days since the procedure and the cramps are almost unbearable. Sleep comes in spurts but is unwelcome because of the nightmares that come with it.

What happens now? Now we start healing both physically and emotionally. The doctor said I should get my period in about 4 to 6 weeks. As soon as I get my period I will begin birth control and prepare to start taking Lupron again. It is very daunting to think about starting all over again. Lupron is not a friendly medication and has horrible side effects. The clinic in Connecticut is thinking we will transfer again at the end of August or beginning of September. I am nervous this time around because I will be starting my first year as a teacher and I worry about the side effects.

I am so thankful for the wonderful intended parents I have been matched with. It was very important to them that I knew they didn’t blame me before we parted that day. They have shown me such great support during my surgery and recovery. They are amazing people. I pray that we can all find some peace and start to heal. I will use these next 3 months to get my body and mind as healthy as I can and go forward to the next transfer just as positive as the first.