The Grand Finale

I told a friend this morning that writing this blog feels impossible. Nothing I write will come close to how I felt or adequately describe my experience. But let’s try:

First I wanted to clear something up. Many have asked me why I am so vague when I talk about the parents. Why don’t I just call them by name or be clearer when speaking about them? Everyone’s privacy is important. In every surrogacy contract there are actually privacy clauses to protect both parties. My IPs were aware of my blog and I was very lucky to get to continue to write it. At any time if they had felt uncomfortable with any of it I would have gladly taken it down. Writing this blog is a privilege and not a right.

I sat down many times and tried to write a blog before my induction day. I simply couldn’t do it. I had so many things running through my head that I couldn’t get them straight. A couple weeks before the delivery I started getting a little antsy and scared. I am sure I had some of the same fears many of you reading this who have had a baby might have experienced such as the pain involved in delivery. However, I have a feeling I may have had some fears of a different sort as well.

I was about to deliver a baby that as soon as it was born the parents could whisk her out of the room. This was their right. I had no right to see her, meet her, talk to her, or hold her. I didn’t have the right to introduce her to my daughters. But these were all things I wanted desperately. I couldn’t stand the idea of not being able to hold her. My girls have been talking to this little one for the last 39 weeks and were so excited to meet her. It would have broken their little hearts if they didn’t get to meet her. Please know that having these fears had nothing to do with the parents. They had been wonderful throughout the pregnancy and had never indicated that any of these things would happen. 

Do you have a cup of coffee in hand? Glass of water? I am just trying to prepare you…. This is going to be a long one!

We had our induction planned for months. It was scheduled for December 3. One of the parents arrived the Monday before Thanksgiving. We went to doctor appointments together that week and at our very last doctor’s appointment they told us we had been moved to December 2. You would have thought that we were having the baby right then and there as excited as we both were about one day! 

The week of Thanksgiving is a week I will always cherish. We ate Thanksgiving dinner together, stayed at a hotel and spent time together while the kids swam, and went to a movie. I am so thankful for that time we had together. Throughout the pregnancy we would talk to our kids about the parents and the kids would talk to the baby about her parents. It was great for our daughters to get to meet and get to know this parent. It would have been amazing if both had been able to be there but the other parent was never far from our thoughts. 

So if all that wasn’t amazing enough…. There was more! The parent came to our house for dinner and brought along a real Christmas tree and decorations. We all put up the tree together. My kids absolutely loved it. I cannot describe to you how much all this meant to me. Not just the awesome tree and beautiful decorations but the time, the precious time we spent together. We have never had a real tree before! It is so beautiful. Well here see for yourself:

OK….let’s talk about the big day!!

We all arrived together to the hospital that morning. Now let’s be honest for a minute. I was thinking that since this was my third delivery that it would go pretty fast. We got there at 7am and I fully expected to have given birth by no later than 2 that afternoon. We are shown to our room and I change into one of those beautiful hospital gowns. I literally hurry as fast as I can and jump into the bed…I couldn’t wait for the doctor to check me and tell me that I was already dilated to a 4!!

Wrong… dilated to 1cm. The nurse came in and placed a Cytotec tablet near my cervix. I then had to lay flat for an hour…that was torture! After the hour was up the walking began. Lap after lap after lap. They checked me again at noon…..we were already dilated to a………1. Still at a 1cm. Now the contractions were already getting fun and back labor had also begun. So I…. did some more walking! 2pm time for a cervix check again….It has now been 7 hours….we are dilated all the way to a……….1. WHAT?!? Time for another Cytotec pill and an hour of lying flat. I was honestly starting to feel a little discouraged.  What do you think I did after that hour of lying flat was over? Yup you guessed it…. More walking. My husband would take a few laps with me, then my IPs would take turns. We had some good conversation during our walks but I think we were all a little surprised at how long it was taking. The doctor came in around 4 and broke my water and I was dilated to a 2.The contractions were so strong I could barely stay on my feet but did some more walking. Got checked again around 7 or 8 and was only at a 4. Got some Pitocin started. The contractions were getting horrible. I had natural births with both of my daughters…didn’t need any pain medication. I got checked at 11:00 pm…we are now 16 hours into this process and I am dilated to a 5. The nurse encouraged me to get an epidural so my body could relax a little. I think they might have thought I was a little crazy because I kept asking them if they were sure I was strong enough to get an epidural. Ha! I did have it a little backwards in my mind. It was really no big deal. So at 11:30 I received my epidural. I went from 5cm to 10cm in the next 45 minutes. 

It was finally time to start pushing!!!! Both of the parents and my husband were in the room. Right before we began pushing…I heard music…what was it you ask? It was Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”!!!! So I told my husband that I needed to play this song in the delivery room because that’s what it is called when the baby crowns is the ring of fire and hell ya it burns burns burns!!! Well my husband didn’t really think it was as funny as I did but one of my IPs was sure paying attention and started playing it! Best.Thing.Ever. It made me smile before I started pushing and kind of took away the fear I had about any pain. I pushed 5 sets of 3 and she was out!!!

I waited for that first cry to begin. When it did it sounded amazing!! After one of the parents cut the cord she went right to the warmer and then to one of her parents for some skin to skin bonding. I honestly can’t believe I held it together. It was so so so precious watching those parents with their new baby. After all the time they had waited for her, they were finally together. A few moments later Grandma was in the room meeting her granddaughter for the first time. Soon one of the parents brought her over to me and asked if I had met Baby “K” yet and handed her to me.

 I wonder if amazing can be used too many times…I sure hope it is not losing its’ effectiveness. That moment was so amazing. I couldn’t believe she was here. I felt so honored that they brought her over to me. I held her for a few minutes and then the parents and grandma went to the nursery for the baby’s first bath. 

The next morning I had a knock on my door and I heard “Would you like some company?” It was one of the parents and grandma and of course the baby!! I was automatically handed the baby. I held her for a short time. She started fussing a little and I told the parent “Oh she wants you back!” I never once felt alone or ignored from the parents while I was in the hospital. They really made this experience perfect for me. Absolutely perfect. 

The next day was very exciting for me. My daughters were coming up to meet the other parent and the baby (and the grandma was also a bonus). Once they got there we all went to the parent’s room. I think I forgot to mention that but the parents were able to have their own room right down the hall to stay in. The girls both got to hold her which almost gave me a heart attack. Then Travis held her for the first time. It was so adorable. He was so scared I think he held his breath the whole time she was in his arms. We took some very special pictures. I had thought about this moment a thousand times. I was curious and maybe even worried about how my daughters would feel once the baby was here. I was scared that they would want to take her home or they would be very sad that we couldn’t bring her home with us. When we left the parents room and went back to ours my youngest daughter who is 7 started crying. I was thinking “Oh no, here it comes.” I asked her what was wrong and the whole time I thought I knew exactly what she was going to say. I was so wrong. She looked at me and said, “I am crying tears of joy for them.” She was genuinely so happy for the parents. They both were. It was amazing to me that my daughters understood what this journey was about. 

Baby “K’s” grandma brought me a bag full of goodies from her, her husband, and their daughters. It was the sweetest thing ever. I am so happy she was there that day. You can tell just by being around some people for a short amount of time that they are wonderful, caring, and just good people. She is one of those kinds of people. I haven’t been able to bring myself to use anything in the bag yet. I look through it and read the card and then put it all back. Now here is proof that I have the most awesome IP’s EVER! They also gave me a gift before they left. What was it? Flowers? A card? A cute stuffed animal from the gift shop? They got me………..NEW RUNNING SHOES!!! During all the walking we did trying to get that baby out I had told them about my goal of running another half marathon. Best.Gift.Ever. 

I was dreading the next day. It was time to say goodbye. With a huge lump in my throat my husband and I walked slowly to their room hand in hand. I watched as they loaded their new baby in the car seat. I tried so hard to hold it together….didn’t work this time. I was crying my eyes out as we all hugged and said goodbye. I reached into the car seat and told Baby “K” that it was so nice to meet her…. And then they were gone. I left the hospital about 20 minutes later.

Recovery has been a lot different without a baby. Some may think easier but I am finding it the opposite. I breast fed both my daughters and that really seemed to help with bleeding and cramping so much faster.Today I am 2 weeks postpartum and I am still struggling trying to get my milk to dry up. So very painful! I have been trying an army of things: Motrin, cabbage leaves, icing (ouch), peppermint oil, and no hot water on them. I find it still difficult to sit for more than 15-20 minutes. My body has let me know a couple times when I have tried to over do it during the day.

Now let’s get real and discuss the questions that a few people have asked me and a whole lot more want to ask me.

Wasn’t it hard leaving that baby? Didn’t you want to take her with you?

Honestly, I worried about how that would feel. I think our family had the right approach to this pregnancy though. Every time we talked to her we talked to her either about her parents or just like you would talk to a baby you were babysitting. We have known for a long time that we didn’t want any more children of our own. Did we fall in love with her and adore her? Absolutely we did. She lived with is for 10 months. But no, I did not want to bring her home with me. She looked so perfect in her parent’s arms and that is exactly where she belonged. I may have carried her under my heart but she was conceived in theirs. I was so happy they were together at last.

So then why all the tears at the hospital when saying goodbye?

This is what I had spent the last 2 years and 2 months of my life doing. The ups and downs. The losses. It was all I thought about and built my life around for 2 years and now it was over. I really got attached to my IP’s and I feel like I am going to miss them as well. It feels so final. Now of course I can still text them but I am so afraid of bothering them now that they have their baby. Now don’t get me wrong: They have never once acted like I am a bother and have sent me texts and pictures since taking their baby home.

Would you ever be a surrogate again?

I have already heard this question many times. If my IP’s that I just had a baby for said they wanted me to do it again for them I would do it in a heartbeat. Wouldn’t even have to think about it. This is such a hard question because I had such perfect IP’s and this journey was so amazing and had such a great outcome that it makes it hard to even think about it. Honestly, both my husband and I thought I would be out of the game because of my blood pressure issues during this pregnancy. So out of curiosity I e-mailed the RE and asked. He replied saying he thought I would be fine to do it again but he of course would have to look over my medical records. That was a shock because I thought the answer would be a straight up no. When my husband came home I was a little hesitant to tell him that I had asked. I kind of thought my husband wouldn’t even consider us doing a second journey but when I told him I was shocked at his response. He said it was wonderful that we had the choice if we wanted to choose to do it again. He said that watching Baby “K” be born and then placed into her parent’s arms was one of the most amazing things he had ever seen. He is definitely ok with us putting our name back in the hat someday. He's kind of my rock star!

This Christmas is going to be amazing. Our family’s hearts are so full of joy. Giving birth to that sweet little girl is one of the most amazing things I have done in my life. I don’t feel like a special person or an amazing person for doing it. I feel and know in my heart that it was something I was meant to do. I will never be able to express to those parents my gratitude. They could have picked someone else to carry their baby for them but they bestowed that honor upon me. This journey has taught our family so much about love, life, faith, and not giving up on dreams. It has forever changed us. I couldn’t be more thankful and I will always be grateful to them. 

So for now that wraps up this journey! Thanks to all of you who have continued to read this blog and leave comments of support. God bless.

I thought it might be nice to do a short recap of the journey. Some of these pictures you have seen before...

It all began with a lot of medications to get ready! I still can't believe I gave myself a shot everyday for 16 weeks. 

Finally on our way to New York...

Transfer Day!!! Lucky green shirt and lucky green socks...and lucky husband :)

 Her first picture...a sweet little embryo.

My uterus is no longer empty!!

Our first sign she might be on her way!!

10 weeks all snuggled in

 

It's a GIRL!!

Some growing belly fun!!
                            

                                       28 weeks. 12-3 her birthday!

                                    32 weeks- Isn't it cool how my shirt     says New York Baby Bump

                                                                             34 weeks

                                                                           36 weeks

                                                                         37 weeks

                        39 weeks. Texting during contractions

                   Our family meeting Baby "K"

Your plan...is not always THE PLAN!

How is it possible that I haven’t written a blog in 8 weeks?! Two weeks ago I sat down to write a quick update of the pregnancy but I got side tracked. I think the title of the blog was going to be something to do with how “boring and uneventful” this pregnancy was… yes please read WAS!

A little over two weeks ago I started experiencing horrible headaches, blurry vision, seeing black spots, and just didn’t feel good. I had bumped into my students desks a couple times because my vision was so blurry. I went to school that Tuesday morning and knew something was really off. I went to sit down in my chair and missed it because I was so dizzy. Off to the doctor I went. My blood pressure was through the roof when I got there so I was admitted. They began running a series of tests on the baby and I. I ended up staying in the hospital for 3 nights. Baby looked great! She was actually measuring a few day ahead of schedule.

It was a rough week for our family. My husband spent the days with me and left in the evenings to take care of the kiddos. I hate living 65 miles from the hospital!! It was really hard for our youngest daughter Katiana. She was scared and missed her mommy. The older one was just mad that I wasn’t coming home and her solution was to sue the doctor for keeping me there so long……ha! I absolutely hated being there. The nights were so lonely and I couldn’t sleep.

The doctor wanted to take my blood pressure every hour after I had been up and walking around. So I had to go walk around the halls with all the other pregnant women that were there walking around because they were in labor and there to have their babies. For some reason, it was really uncomfortable for me. It wasn’t their moaning or bending over in pain, I can’t really put my finger on exactly what it was but I hated it. Later that evening when I went in the halls I noticed on the doors of the ladies that had been out there earlier there were signs that said “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl”.

Ok, back to the blood pressure. Every time I was up and moving my blood pressure went through the roof so the doctor ordered some Labetalol (blood pressure medication). I took the first pill and 45 minutes later thought I was going to die. The room was spinning and things went black a couple of times. Anyways, I was sent home on Friday with the blood pressure medication BUT only half the dose as what they gave me in the hospital. The doctor put me on medical leave from work for the next week. I was bummed but knew I didn’t feel good so it was for the best.

My plan was that I would rest up really well that week and be ready to go back to school and get back to it that Thursday!! My plan couldn’t have been farther from what was about to happen.

Are you getting tired? Go get a drink if you need one and stretch your legs…I know this is a long one…

Ok, so there I was. At home. I began taking the medication as prescribed. Even though they only put my on half the dose the side effects were crazy. I was so dizzy just like in the hospital. I had absolutely no energy…I am not talking the “pregnancy tiredness” I am talking “Oh my goodness I have no energy to get up from bed and go to the bathroom tiredness” It was awful! I figured it must be like a lot of other medications and my body just had to take it a while and get adjusted. I took my medications religiously for the next week and went back to the doctor for a follow up visit from the hospital on Wednesday.

Let’s just say the doctor was not impressed with how I was doing. I had lost even more weight. Did I forget to mention the eating… no matter how hard I would try to eat I didn’t feel like eating or I would eat and throw up. I started taking Zofran for the nausea but it knocked me out so I would have to eat then go right to bed. Ok now that we got that cleared up back to the doctor visit.

The next words out of the doctor’s mouth crushed me…. “you are not going back to work…indefinitely” I was 30 weeks at this appointment…. How was I supposed to stay home for 9 more weeks??

Did I have a pity party?? I am not sure. I know I felt a lot of different emotions. I was pissed. I just was. As a teacher, I worked so hard during the summer to come up with fun and exciting activities to do during the year. We were in our second month of school so our routines and activities were getting comfortable and familiar. I love my job and my students. I could not believe that I wouldn’t be in my classroom for the next two months. I loved my twelve hour workdays… I helped with before school program, taught all day, helped with the after school program, and cleaned a bank at night. Now, I sat at home. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt scared. I felt worthless around the house.

This last weekend I received a text from the parents saying they were flying in for the day on Tuesday to go to my doctor’s appointments with me. It was a morning filled with appointments. First to ultrasound, then OB for a NST, and finally to end with a doctor’s appointment. I hadn’t smiled much in the last two weeks….maybe not at all. After I got home from spending the day with the parents, my cheeks hurt from smiling. Their excitement and smiles were contagious. I got to see pictures of the baby’s room and clothes they had gotten her. It was all so beautiful!!! I needed this visit more than anything!

So here I am. I now go to the doctor at least 2 times a week for NSTs, ultrasounds, and doc visits. We are 31 weeks now!! I will be at home for the next 8 weeks until I deliver. It is still hard being here alone during the days and I am still pretty sick. I thank God every day for my strong husband. Strong in faith, strong in support, strong in positive, and strong in love. His heart has been in this from the start just as much as mine. I don’t know many other men who go through all of this for another couple.

31 WEEKS WITH LADY B!!!!!!!!!!!

Get it?? Exit 123!!! December 03!!! 12-3 is when she is scheduled to exit!

MY FAVORITE SHIRT!! 

This journey has been anything but easy for the last 2 years. Sometimes we forget what goal we are working towards when we hit bumps in the road. In 8 weeks this couple will become parents!! I can’t even type that without crying. The first granddaughter in the family, a beautiful niece, and so much more to so many more people. My 8 weeks of miserable bed rest is only a small fraction of the big picture. I am so thankful that she is looking healthy and growing like she should. I am so thankful that God put me here to bring this beautiful baby into the world for these parents. If I had to start all over knowing what I know would happen, I would still take the leap. I am honored to be a part of this journey.

Thanks for reading…. Sorry your eyes are probably pretty tired!

God bless.

20 Week Ultrasound!!!!!!

On July 21^st I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Our 20 week ultrasound!!! I know that I will not be able to find the words to tell you exactly how incredible it was….but I am going to try.

The morning of the ultrasound I drove over to the parents hotel room to pick them up so we could drive to the appointment together. It was so great to see them!  One of the things I have been super stressed about is the birth of the baby. Not the normal worries about how much it hurts, will I have a C-section, etc. I was worried about things like… What happens if the baby is born before the parents arrive? Do I hold the baby before they do? Should the baby just go right to the nursery so they can hold the baby first? These things were really weighing heavy on my mind…to me these things were huge. This isn’t my baby and I wanted to make sure that I respected the parents wishes. I am so thankful that this couple is so open and I feel so comfortable talking to them about any concerns I may have. We were able to talk about many “what ifs” and made our birth plan for the hospital. I would have respected whatever they chose and not been offended. If they had wanted to be the first ones to hold the baby if they missed the birth I would have honored that. I must say though…I am quite pleased with their wishes and the plans we came up with.

We arrived at the hospital and headed to the ultrasound department. I was so excited and the baby was moving like crazy!! This did not help me at the time since I had been instructed to drink 32oz of water before the ultrasound. Finally it was our turn!!!!!!!!!! My heart was pounding as we entered the room. (The same room we had all been in together over a little over a year ago as we waited excitedly for our ultrasound…only to find out the baby had died). Obviously I could feel the baby moving inside me but it was still hard not to be a little nervous.

I climbed up on the table and the parents sat right behind me with the ultrasound tech and screen in front of us. Deep breaths…heart pounding….really got to pee….. amazement. There on the screen was the image of a beautiful baby. A beautiful baby whom was very active! I looked back at the parents and the looks on their faces were indescribable. Love, joy, excitement all at the same time. I tried very hard to keep myself calm. I didn’t want to cry during the ultrasound because I didn’t want to take any attention off of that beautiful baby. I was successful!! However, I did cry almost all of the way home once I was alone.  We left the hospital and had a great lunch filled with great conversation together.

Want to see the baby? Wondering what the sex of the baby is? WELL……………………….

PINK or BLUE?!?

PINK!!!!!!!!!!

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!!

Everyone in our house had thought it was going to be a boy! If you remember a few blogs back when I posted the 10 week ultrasound video of the baby kicking it up. Well one of the parents made a reference to David Beckham. Every since then our family had called the baby Beckham. Now we call her Lady Beckham!

This week we are 22 weeks along!! My daughters have been running around all morning singing to the baby "I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22" (Taylor Swift's song) 

Lady Beckham and I spent the last 2 days at a teacher's conference so we got a little bored in our hotel room....so we took selfies! Aw..pregnancy....the one time it feels ok to have a belly!!

22 WEEKS!!!

Everything is moving along so quickly. I can't believe we are over half baked!! Thanks for reading. It is always so fun to see how many people read the blog. I love reading all your comments! Thanks for all the support. God Bless! 

Gross how could you give your baby away?

I am exhausted so have decided to write the short version of this blog. Recently on a trip to North Carolina, I met some very opinionated ladies.

While sitting in the airport on the floor my youngest daughter was talking to my belly. She was trying to convince the baby to get ice cream. This isn’t uncommon. The whole family talks to the baby. My husband will tell the baby that he is going to tell his/her parents that he/she is making me sick. It's actually really cute.

One woman sitting not too far away from us noticed my daughter talking and rubbing my belly. She asked the girls if they were excited for their new brother or sister to come. My daughters quickly pointed out that the baby was not ours and that mommy was having a baby for someone else. They love telling people about it. It is something they seem very proud of….which really warms my heart.

My daughters went about their business and put on their headphones and began playing their DS’s. I could tell by the look on the woman’s face that she had something she wanted to say…..so I waited. Sure enough, a few moments later she started by stating, “I don’t understand how you can give your baby away. That is just disgusting.” Now I respect that everyone has their own opinion but after spending all day in airports and still having another 3 hour flight my patience was running a little thin. So I did indeed share MY opinion with her.

My husband and I did not create this baby out of love to expand our own family. Another couple who want a baby created with their sperm and egg a beautiful embryo. They were not able to care for that embryo in a way that would result in a baby. That is where I came in. They gave me their baby to take care of and grow for them. When the day comes when I deliver this baby, I will not be giving my baby away. I will be giving them their baby back that they have been waiting for all this time!! Of course everyone in our house has fallen in love with this baby we don’t even know, but more in a way of when someone brings a new baby to your house to babysit. Everyone oooohs and awes at the little one but knows it is going home with its parents.

While shopping in the mall I went into the coach store. The lady working in the store was pregnant. My step mother began talking to her and shared with her that I was pregnant and having a baby for another couple. The first thing out of the ladies mouth was “Oh I could do that easy and get rich” That rubbed me the wrong way. If only I had felt like a debate that day. There are so many different circumstances that surround surrogacy. If you are curious about things like that it is less offensive to come out and ask the person then to assume everyone is “getting rich”.

I don’t usually volunteer the information that I am a surrogate. It is usually someone around me like the kids. But I sure do get a lot of different responses when people find out. Of course it is never fun when people are so negative but I have to understand that everyone has their own opinion….even if I highly disagree!!

Some exciting things coming up next week…. can‘t wait to share with you all. Thanks for reading. Stay blessed!