Cracked but not Broken

I came home feeling wonderful from the transfer. That wonderful feeling was about to turn into a roller coaster of ups and downs.

I went in for my first beta. It came back positive!! We were pregnant! The number was 14. The number did shock me because it was much lower than the first time.  The nurse reminded me it wasn’t how high the number was that mattered but what mattered was if that number continued to double. Also, this was a frozen transfer and the numbers are sometimes a little lower with these. That was on a Friday. My family spent the weekend feeling great and excited.

Monday came around and it was time to go back in for another blood draw. The numbers came back at….23. Now, I am not a mathematician but I knew right away that the numbers had not doubled. This was not good news. My heart dropped.

Went in again on Thursday for another blood draw….numbers came back at…109! They had more than tripled! Once again we were celebrating!! Then the wait began. I had to wait 2 weeks until the ultrasound.

The number one thing I hate is the fact that all the medications I take mimic the symptoms of pregnancy. So of course, my boobs were killing me, I was nauseous all the time, and I was super tired!

Finally it was time for the ultrasound!!! My husband was able to come with me this time!  We were supposed to be 7 weeks along today. So I couldn’t wait to see the heartbeat or beats! I have been through enough ultrasounds to know that when the tech is quiet and doesn’t print any pictures it isn’t good news. I hated the fact that they couldn’t tell me anything and sent me on my way only to wait all day for heart wrenching results. I wanted nothing more than to call the intended parents with great news or send them a picture of their baby….but I didn’t have any news.

The nurse called a few hours later. She informed me that they were not able to find a heartbeat and the ultrasound measured us at 5 weeks and 4 days along. The doctor decided to keep me on my medications for an extra week just in case. I continued giving myself a shot everyday and taking my meds for the next week and praying for a miracle.

I went in last Friday for the ultrasound that I believed was going to beat all odds. Again, with my husband by my side, I realized it wasn’t good news.

I wanted to climb to the top of a mountain and scream. I didn’t want to believe it was true. To be honest…I was just plain pissed. It made me sick to think if I was feeling this horrible how horrible the parents must be feeling. It is so hard to not blame it all on myself. I feel so much guilt, pain, and anger. This time did shake my faith. Shook me to the core. I find myself angry thinking about how I should be delivering a baby for this couple next month and not losing another one.

I stopped taking my medication on Friday. I started to have some light spotting on Monday night and by midnight I thought I was in labor. The pain was so severe. I had absolutely no idea what I was about to go through. I was on my knees in pain. I will try to spare you all the details but I had no idea I would “deliver” and have to see what I saw and feel what I felt. I stayed in bed all day Tuesday. I was barely able to get out of bed  to go to the bathroom the pain was so bad. I usually handle pain pretty well. I had both of my kids without even thinking of an epidural.

Tuesday I spent most of the day crying. Not for myself but for the many women who have gone through this sort of thing over and over. I cried and cried.

Today, Wednesday, I had to go back to the doctor. They did an ultrasound and found that I didn’t pass everything. I have to have a D&C on Friday. The pain I am still having is amazing. My blood pressure was through the roof today. I have had a severe headache since Sunday. The doctor thinks it is because I am going through withdrawals from the medications.

So here we are… we met each other a year and one month ago. We have had celebrations and heartaches. Some people think it is such a quick process. You get pregnant right away, have a baby, and that is that. But here we are a year later and no baby. I haven’t spoken to the parents lately. I am unsure of their plans. I do know that my family is in this heart and soul. We will be with this beautiful couple as long as they keep us a part of their journey. I want nothing more than to complete their dream of parenthood.

Through all of this heartache I have witnessed amazing acts of friendship and kindness. The support I have felt has been overwhelming. I will never be able to thank these people who have made an incredible difference in my life in a way they probably don’t even know.

So yes, my faith was shaken but not broken….not broken.